Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize