She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
