My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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