ya dads aren't the best wingmen
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Randomize
