That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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