You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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