So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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