I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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