I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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