I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
