i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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