So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I just threw up on my dentist
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
