I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
