If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize