my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
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