So I think I might still secretly love him despite the ass licking...
Hey ass licking is a very nice and intimate thing! Don't discredit your feelings
But what if he licks everyones ass?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
