Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
