my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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