Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
