so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
