Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
