I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize