I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I touched a dick in church today
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
