When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
