i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i think i have two assholes
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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