I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
