my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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