just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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