Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
