Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
