The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
