all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
