The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
