The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
you had me at cake vodka
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
not ubering you a puppy
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
