please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize