I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize