no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
