i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
