i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
