I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
