Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize