Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
