This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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