I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
