i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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