I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
