Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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