Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
