I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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