so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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