Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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