i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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