i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
