I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
