Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize