i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
