i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
