the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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