It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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