One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He did a backflip because drugs
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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