he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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