How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
