I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize